Without Slaten, All the Steamers Have is a Soccer Game
by Tom Barnidge (3/18/1981) St. Louis Post-Dispatch
There is a line from a movie that somehow seems appropriate this week, in view of the Steamers' remarkable controversy. It speaks for how remarkable things can be.
"I think I will have seen everything," it goes, "when I see an elephant fly."
The title of the movie is "Dumbo," which also seems somehow fitting. in the sequel, which was showing at the Checkerdome last week, you knew you had seen everything again when you saw an announcer ejected and suspended.
Announcers get hired, fired and ignored. Announcers even get ridiculed. But it's not every day that a game announcer gets ejected, suspended and fired.
The Steamers just won't be the same without Kevin Slaten. It'll be like a circus without a clown. Or Soupy Sales without a pie.
Who's going to gush syrup into the microphone? Who's going to slug opposing players? Who's going to pronounce Slobo's last name? Who's going to scream at the officials?
See, it's a heckuva mess, as you probably can tell. All you've got left is the soccer game. And few hundred cubic feet of steam.
And the shame is as plain as the mustache on his face. Kevin Slaten is the victim of a leaguewide conspiracy. It's a plot as fiendish as a political coup. Fidel Castro was no more cunning. The referees wanted to do Slaten in, so they sent surly players into the penalty box in hopes that he'd be obliged to hit them.
Entrapment, plain and simple, that's what it is. It's more underhanded than the Abscam case. Wouldn't any other announcer take a swing at John Dolinsky? Why not rearrange his face?
In fact, if you'll watch closely at Blues games, you'll probably notice Dean Patrick. The Blues announcer, in the interest of the team, nearly always punches opposing players in the face.
That's part of the announcer's job, for heaven's sake. Why else was he given fists? If a player doesn't want a poke in the chops, he shouldn't commit a penalty in the first place.
A lot of it has to do with timing, too. See, the Steamers were trailing Friday night, in danger of disappointing their fans. As spiritual captain of the soccer team, it's the announcer's duty to fire up his sie. Punch a guy on the nose. Draw a red card. Scream and badger the official. That's more motivational than anything Pat McBride could do. McBride is only the coach.
But Slaten alone couldn't write this whole script. He needed help from the league office. And Commissioner Earl Foreman, who apparently has a lot of time on his hands, immediately jumped into the plot.
One of the Major Indoor Soccer League's primary concerns is evaluating all its announcers. That, and seeing that all organists play on key. If you've got an announcer, an organ and 50 pounds of steam, who has to worry about the game?
The success of this project - from a publicity standpoint - is certain to open new doors. It's like the innovations pro wrestling has introduced. Instead of flying windmills and Australian sleeper holds, the MISL can keep coming up with red cards.
One week, the refs can throw a beer vendor out. The next week, they'll evict an usher. They can employ a few fans to be noticeably abusive and then pitch them out of the stands.
It's marvelous theater. Melodrama at its best. It's like the Goldenrod Showboat with 18,000 seats. If the game gets dull or the outcome's unfavorable, you've always got the gimmicks up your sleeve.
I think a nice touch would be letting the announcer parachute into his seat. At game's end, he could be shot froma cannon.
In between times, of course, as part of his duty, he'd be expected to punch out some players from the other team. It was reported the other day (perhaps it was a hoax) that for the Steamers, Slaten was worth two goals a game. That makes him the second-leading scorer in the league. How, one wonders, can the Steamers win again with their leading scorer out of the game?
Those, long, loud introductions, soaked in saccharine, no longer will ooze down the aisles. Those resounding declarations of Steamers supremacy won't rise to the roof like hot air. And worst of all, when shots on goal are announced, it won't always sound like the Steamers won.
That's what I liked, when the announcer's inflection made you think the scoreboard was wrong.
The Steamers are looking for a replacement. And it's no easy task. They're looking for a guy with a good right cross. A couple of names that have been suggested often: Joe Frazier and Leon Spinks.
It won't likely matter which guy they choose. The MISL will just toss him out. The commissioner can dismiss anyone he wants. His powers are patterned after Julius Caesar's; his empire after that of old Rome.
In fact, when he finishes reading these words, I expect to get my red card by mail.
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